Thursday, March 18, 2010

So I FINALLY finished watching 'Precious'..

I finally finished watching all of Precious, in no less than 4 installments, a couple of days ago. I can rarely watch a movie all the way through. I have the attention span of a goldfish. The following is an exhaustive chronology of the events comprising a typical movie watching experience for me:

Day 1

1. Pop in film. Take an interest in a particular, previously unseen trailer. Pause Film.
2. Go read more about film in said trailer on for reviews.
3. Resume film. Watch about 15 minutes of film. Get a sudden craving for hummus and poppy seed crackers.
4.Realize I'm out of crackers. I can't have hummus without some sort of dipping apparatus. It's perverted and unnatural.
5.Pause film. Drive to store for crackers. Get distracted by newest Tinseltown 'Splits and Hook ups'. For the next 20 minutes: push an empty shopping card aimlessly through the narrow isles while engrossed in an issue of Us magazine. Occasionally bump into ostentatious displays of soda pop.
6. Arrive home. Wonder why the hell I'm holding a box of crackers.
7. Google the words "undiagnosed A.D.D."

Day 2

1. Turn on TV. Realize there is a DVD still in the player from the previous day.
2. Resume watching film for 15 minutes. Wince in disgust/Weep ever so slightly/Laugh uproariously. Pause film to share insight with my brother.
3. Exclaim: "dude you gotta see this! This is the (fill in the blank)
[A]Coolest decapitation scene I've seen
[B] Deepest quote I've heard
[C] Funniest shit Kevin Smith has put out awhile!
4. Resume film. Receive incoming text about funny Youtube sensation that I "just have to check out"
5. Pause film. Proceed to watch this "funny Youtube sensation I just have to check out"
6. Soooomehow...(whether it makes me convulse with laughter or smirk with mild amusement.) I always end up clicking on 'related videos".
7. Get stuck in "Youtube loop".

Day 3

1. Earthquake in a under-privileged part of the world. Feel guilty about having indoor plumbing and horseless carriages. Neglect enjoying all my developed world comforts for the rest of the day.

Day 4

1. Drive by video store. Get the urge to rent something. Realize I already have a half-watched movie at home. Grumble to myself. Drive home to consume the rest of the film before starting a new one.
2. Watch 20 minutes of film.
3. Mandatory nude scene comes on. Masturbate.
4. Feel silly for masturbating to an innocent locker room shower scene.
5.Resent my idle hands
6. Crucify myself to wall with duct tape.
7. Now that I'm immobilized... finally watch the rest of the film.

Unlike the time it took me to watch the film..I can summarize Precious in 4 tweets:

1. Mariah Carey sports a mustache and still looks pretty hot after 2 Coronas.
2. Underdog from 2+ minority groups? CHECK. Succeeds despite insurmountable odds? CHECK = The Academy loves ya baby.
3. There's this one scene where these guys push her on the street, and she falls with a deafening thud. It's kind of fucked up. You're not allowed to laugh...but you can laugh at this OTHER fat, black chick falling instead!

4.A bunch of people die from AIDS. AIDS jokes are not funny....unless they're told on Family Guy.


  1. Day 1, steps 3 and 4 should really be 1 step. or substeps. 3a, 3b. anyway, that movie was odd, 5 times I thought the movie had ended, it just... kept going... :(

  2. Aids jokes are also funny on South Park.