Monday, May 16, 2011

This Is Not A Date...

Yes, I have touched on the subject before..but I feel it merits reiterating..
Fellow lesbians... It is indeed possible to be invited to attend an event by another lesbian without a desire for romantic involvement. Complimenting your choice of hat does not mean I want to do the Sapphic samba with you.
If I've been calling you"buddy"on multiple occasions and it does not seem to register... I will have to resort to illustrating my point the American way!

With a wearable bright neon sign of course.

So, I designed this T-shirt to wear for such an occasion!

Look, there isn't a nanometer of sexual tension between us. The possibility of me running any bases with you tonight is about as remote as the possibility of me purchasing a parrot with Tourettes as a gift for my prim grandmother. So, please refrain from touching me anywhere that would get you fired for sexual harassment in a work environment.

That said.

How many shirts should I put you down for ladies?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

McDees impending fancy pants facelift....

So Mc Donald's is revamping its restaurants to more closely mimic the ambience at Starbucks. They are hoping that adding TV's and a few beanbag chairs will lure some hipsters into "lounging" at Mc Dees for a few hours while they surf the web and snub pop music.

I don't think the majority of McDonald's typical customers will give a fuck that they can now listen to Enya while they wait for their Big Mac.

.....and I don't think I will be overhearing a conversation between a guy and his date that goes like THIS any time soon, "Honey, I've canceled the reservations at Le Fleur in favor of this ritzy new McDonald's restaurant!"

Many people are a little embarassed to be be SEEN frequenting a Mc Donald's. I don't think there are many of us who would want to prolong a Mc Donalds's visit. You walk in, get what you paid for, avoid eye contact, hand over your money and get out. Visiting a McDonalds is a lot like visiting a hooker.

The only type of McDonald's customer who wants to "lounge" at McDonald's after the meal, is usually holding up a cardboard sign.

Your baby is not a fashion accessory...

Baby Bling...I don't understand it. Especially in today's economy....oh, sure you could invest those hundreds of dollars into a private school tuition fund..or you could buy your child a damn diamond encrusted pacifier. Your baby is not auditioning for some baby edition of the Jersey Shore.


Unless of course, your baby is starting an underground fight club.... Which this apparent miniature cage match arena at would suggest.....Hey now, baby bling=frivolous...but a baby is never too young to learn how to execute a proper round house kick!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Our concept of Egypt is seriously outdated...

Most of us don't really give Egyptian culture much thought beyond the occasional Cleopatra costume spotted at a Halloween party and a fleeting desire to learn hieroglyphics..

"Pictured: Not much different than the Crayola 'masterpieces' of the family cats a budding renoir like yourself made for mom's fridge as a child...Except, important old people in Safari hats give a damn about the cats in THESE scribbles..."

So, Quick!! How many of you could think of nothing but THIS when you heard the word "Egypt"in the news as the first riots erupted??

How many of you supressed a giggle days after when the shock wore off and you felt an urge to do THIS in the company break room everytime the news came on?

Be honest now!

I mean, I don't blame us (Americans)..Our concept of Egypt has been almost exclusively forged by such educational programming as "Night at the Museum" and "The Mummy" w/ Brendan Fraser.. I'm sure when we actually think about it, it makes sense to picture Egyptians in a modern context-complete with Facebooks and diverse haircuts..

However, what are the very FIRST things that pop into our heads when we think..

pissed off Egyptians?...

ACTUAL pissed off Egyptians...

Our image of Egyptian women?..

ACTUAL Egyptian women...

Our initial image of Egyptian ruler Mubarak..

The ACTUAL Egyptian ruler Mubarak...

Well, screw you Anderson Cooper! How dare you shatter our highly inaccurate, romanticized image of Egypt?

Either way, I have to wonder how foreign countries who base their perception of Americans on our media probably view us..

Average Americans at leisure?..

ACTUAL average Americans at leisure...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Aaaah, Lesbian Bars...

It is in my humble opinion....That we lesbians, as a species, take ourselves entirely too seriously.There is no station wagon on earth with enough trunk space to accommodate all of our neuroses...and we should be making light of our unique culture. We should be strutting our stuff and wiping criticisms off our unusually buff shoulders..Not getting the ACLU to sue Michael Savage.

....Mmm..Lesbian bars are the only bars where you can walk in and feel welcome no matter where you may be in your walk of life. You're never too old to be at the lesbian bar. Every lesbian bar has that Ted Danson looking dyke who looks old enough to have been in the Stonewall riots. If Jon Lovitz walked into a straight bar (or even a gay guy bar) the patrons would quietly mutter to themselves and shake their collective heads in pity ..but Jon lovitz could walk into a lesbian bar dressed like Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez and no one would bat an eyelash.

and I can now cross Resolution # 435 "Include at least one reference to drag queens in my blog this year" off my list.

Yes, A lesbian bar is the only place with dykes old enough to brag about having hooked up with Virginia Woolf (she's a top from what I heard from 'The Ted Danson dyke' by the way) and yet...somehow you having hooked up with Virginia Woolf is STILL less than 6 degrees of separation. Tsk.Tsk.

Sigh. Unfortunately, lesbian bars are so sparse; even in large cities...Thankfully, the camaraderie that exists between lesbians is such an unshakable bond. We will brave shitty overpriced drinks, dim lighting, and tables that are smushed closer together than Katy Perry's tits in a push-up bra. We do this just so we can dance it up with our sisters to the same damn songs we dance to in our cars on our commute to work.

Ah, and the question on any non-lesbian mind. Why DO we enjoy playing with another woman's boobs even though we have our own.I suppose, they're like snow globes. I know we have our own, but they're all so different, and oh so fun to shake. Okay, I have to get boobs off my mind, at least for a minute. Back to the clubs..and the shitty drinks.

"Hey ;)...what are you drinking there?"

"Blue Kool aid with a little Bacardi . what's yours?"

"PURPLE kool-aid with rubbing alcohol named after a euphemism for vagina"..

"oooh. How much was it?"

"My share of the electric bill this month"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Craigslist ad I posted to offer my services as a "Sound Effect Assistant for Every Day Life"

For just 7.25/hr. ...I will follow you around with a stereo and an archive full of sound effects, ready to turn your life into an episode in a British comedy..

I will be ready to make you feel better with a "laugh track" when nobody found your ethnic joke funny because you're white.

I will be ready to play the "sad trombone" sound when you witness an epic FAIL as you're stalled in traffic throughout your morning commute.

I will be ready with an ironic "drum roll" when that relative at Thanksgiving -whom everyone already knows is gay, stands up to 'make an announcement'.

The next time you're at your child's little league game and forget you're not at home yelling at the TV..... I will have the "censor beep" ready at hand to spare the children's ears and sanitize your profanity laced tirade aimed at the referee.

I will cue the "Darth Vader" theme from Star Wars when your boss walks into the room.....

All this and more when you hire...ME...your SOUND EFFECT ASSISTANT FOR EVERYDAY LIFE!

You can hire me for a couple of hours throughout the day to make your work day a little more entretaining...OR...Make an appointment today to book me for your next: corporate event, bar mitzvah, AA meeting. Whatever. *

As long as this "whatever" is a 2 hour minimum.*

Location: Utah County

I'm curious about what kinds of responses I'll get...perhaps I'll post them in a future entry..

Friday, October 22, 2010

What the BLEEP are the 1966 Shelby Cobra and 1977 Ford Pinto doing in the same blog entry??

I love talking to my brother. He's my best friend. 2 of our favorite subjects are cars and women. Sometimes, I'll start talking about both at the same time...and I forget which of the 2 subjects I'm referring to ...entries like these ensue...
I somehow came to the conclusion that that these types of girlfriends were very much like these cars...In my usual fashion, it's blunt... you've been warned...

The 1966 Shelby Cobra:
This is the type of woman that can approach any one in the current crop of suicidal Wall Street Execs and convince them to step away from the edge of the bridge they were about to jump off of 5 minutes ago. She's smart. She can refute Stephen Hawking's theories of the universe..all while giving you the best lap dance of your life. This woman could don a janitor jumpsuit, push around a little cart full of spray bottles...and STILL look smokin' while doing it. She's witty. She could heckle Carlos Mencia off the stage and make HIM feel 'dee dee dee'.... How can she juggle all of this and still look stunning. Because she can do 0-60-mph time in 3 seconds. Reliability? That 800 Horsepower is going to stay at a respectable level.... even through the years. Even after all these decades, there is still barely a scratch on her. Too bad only 2 were ever made, right?

The 1972 Datsun 510:
You met her during a phase of 'moral balancing' in your life....When the guilt of not ever having donated ONE fuckin'dollar to those charities that let you put your name on a fun paper cut-out at the resgister compels you to volunteer to read to blind children. There she was, wearing a frumpy Christmas sweater...and it was February.
She's asymmetrical on all counts. Yet, You fall in love with her despite yourself. She may be ugly, but her value increases exponentially with time as you realize that she has so much going on a Jackson Pollock painting. Your friends may give you shit, but that Datsun sure can surprise them when her engine turns out to be a 2.0L...instead of the 1.6. She hasn't dated much, but has at least used that time to upgrade herself inside. Who cares if you have to smear your eyes with petroleum jelly to go on dates with her, "Shallow Hal" style? Even after all these years, her engine still hums sweetly, like an angel farting in tune to "Ave Maria".

The 1994 Honda Accord:

Sure ...She doesen't exactly stand out in the looks department. She's pretty all right..... but if she's white, it's hard to spot her at the Wal-Mart parking lot. At least she isn't going to be making your mother cringe as she imagines her grandchildren's faces looking like Mrs. Potato Head got hit by a construction beam. She's reliable, very reliable....and she handles herself excellently, even when the road gets rocky. Maybe it'the reason it's still one of the most stolen cars in America.

The 1977 Ford Pinto:
Oh, sure she can get hot, but not "Boom-Chicka-Wha-Wha"
hot. The kinds of fires she starts are legendary and attract the
attention of the authorities. She's neurotic..and everything is your
fault. The weather man was wrong? Definately your fault. She can't
understand her manicurist's thick Korean accent? Your fault again.....and
she'll berate you even as you buff the calluses on her feet.
Why are you still seeing this woman? She's ugly as hell and has no
structural integrity...or ANY integrity for that matter. Maybe you had
one of those dads who drilled it into your head that you're a sissy for
not being able to keep your Tequila shot down at 12. Therefore, your
confidence was shot before you even uttered your first pick-up line.
One day, you're at a party and some poor fuck is too drunk....(or nearsighted) to realize he's spitting game with Ursula from 'The Little Mermaid. Your spirit is too broken to care. You look the other way. You don't have the courage to leave her because this is the best you think you'll ever do, but every night you go to bed praying someone will recall her...and save you from that inevitable unpleasant death.

The "Ricer" :
Your Snookis of the world. Her sound system is loud and obnoxious, but you're okay with that as long as your buddies nod approvingly....You can festoon so many shiny trinkets on her that 'Flava Flav' would feel tacky if he was seen riding this....but......What good is having nice rims when even that wigger down the street who's been wearing the same wife beater for the past 3 days gets a piece when you're not looking? She's slow as hell. You're watching "30 Rock", and she asks you if Tina Fey is going to run for president again. She's high-maintenance. Eventually you start to realize that no matter how much you invest in her, she will keep leaving you stranded. Hell, she won't even hesitate to leave your hapless ass stranded and cold in the middle of Christmas. As the years pass and age takes it's toll...the body kit starts to sag..and you start to realize that no matter how much you soup up this Pinto. it's still a Pinto.