Saturday, March 27, 2010

I'm no Salman Rushdie, but. I do have photoshop.

Apparently, there are several international versions of Maxim magazine to be found in unlikely places. There's even an Indian version of Maxim! I imagine it to contain all the Henna clad, Patchouli reeking beauties you can handle...and TODDY reviews instead of beer reviews.
There are only 3 things that can get into the most dictator loving,war waging, child starving corners of the world 1.Angelina Jolie 2.Gameshows 3.Maxim

So, these days, we are incessantly reassured that we pretty much got this Iraq thing in the bag....Westernization has already begun to change the landscape, albeit slowly. Sadly, this is not the case in our other war theater, Afghanistan.In fact, Obama recently had to order the withdrawal of fast food chains from Afghanistan.

Pfft.Shabbily constructed armor on tanks is one thing. This Whopper Deprivation Act is just letting the terrorists win.

ANYWAY, back to Iraq...Naturally, the westernization of Iraq and the far-reaching influence of Maxim magazine made me wonder how Maxim would fare if dragged kicking and screaming through an Iraqi publisher's printer.So I made this in photoshop.(click on it if you have a hard time reading the print)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

So I FINALLY finished watching 'Precious'..

I finally finished watching all of Precious, in no less than 4 installments, a couple of days ago. I can rarely watch a movie all the way through. I have the attention span of a goldfish. The following is an exhaustive chronology of the events comprising a typical movie watching experience for me:

Day 1

1. Pop in film. Take an interest in a particular, previously unseen trailer. Pause Film.
2. Go read more about film in said trailer on for reviews.
3. Resume film. Watch about 15 minutes of film. Get a sudden craving for hummus and poppy seed crackers.
4.Realize I'm out of crackers. I can't have hummus without some sort of dipping apparatus. It's perverted and unnatural.
5.Pause film. Drive to store for crackers. Get distracted by newest Tinseltown 'Splits and Hook ups'. For the next 20 minutes: push an empty shopping card aimlessly through the narrow isles while engrossed in an issue of Us magazine. Occasionally bump into ostentatious displays of soda pop.
6. Arrive home. Wonder why the hell I'm holding a box of crackers.
7. Google the words "undiagnosed A.D.D."

Day 2

1. Turn on TV. Realize there is a DVD still in the player from the previous day.
2. Resume watching film for 15 minutes. Wince in disgust/Weep ever so slightly/Laugh uproariously. Pause film to share insight with my brother.
3. Exclaim: "dude you gotta see this! This is the (fill in the blank)
[A]Coolest decapitation scene I've seen
[B] Deepest quote I've heard
[C] Funniest shit Kevin Smith has put out awhile!
4. Resume film. Receive incoming text about funny Youtube sensation that I "just have to check out"
5. Pause film. Proceed to watch this "funny Youtube sensation I just have to check out"
6. Soooomehow...(whether it makes me convulse with laughter or smirk with mild amusement.) I always end up clicking on 'related videos".
7. Get stuck in "Youtube loop".

Day 3

1. Earthquake in a under-privileged part of the world. Feel guilty about having indoor plumbing and horseless carriages. Neglect enjoying all my developed world comforts for the rest of the day.

Day 4

1. Drive by video store. Get the urge to rent something. Realize I already have a half-watched movie at home. Grumble to myself. Drive home to consume the rest of the film before starting a new one.
2. Watch 20 minutes of film.
3. Mandatory nude scene comes on. Masturbate.
4. Feel silly for masturbating to an innocent locker room shower scene.
5.Resent my idle hands
6. Crucify myself to wall with duct tape.
7. Now that I'm immobilized... finally watch the rest of the film.

Unlike the time it took me to watch the film..I can summarize Precious in 4 tweets:

1. Mariah Carey sports a mustache and still looks pretty hot after 2 Coronas.
2. Underdog from 2+ minority groups? CHECK. Succeeds despite insurmountable odds? CHECK = The Academy loves ya baby.
3. There's this one scene where these guys push her on the street, and she falls with a deafening thud. It's kind of fucked up. You're not allowed to laugh...but you can laugh at this OTHER fat, black chick falling instead!

4.A bunch of people die from AIDS. AIDS jokes are not funny....unless they're told on Family Guy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Political Chop Shop or The Telepromter-gate saga continues

I couldn't decide between the 2 headlines. So I went with both.

Why the "political chop shop"?

The political arena in general, reminds me of a seedy chop shop. Lots of de-co and re-construction. Although, I imagine the deconstruction that occurs in speech writing is more of the Derrida variety than The Sopranos variety. Either way, in the end, its still the same ole' beat up Camaro- but with a new alternator!....Public officials parroting the same populist line, but using different pretty words. It's like a game of refrigerator magnet poetry, but no matter what the outcome of the game, it always leads to more poor people getting fucked over. Blah,blah. The tea party, The coffee party...perhaps a "Red Bull party" is soon to come. Although,I imagine the more- caffeinated-than-thou Red Bull Party will shun the previous platforms altogether and circulate petitions for things like raising stripper's wages. Hmmmm, I can get behind that. Yes, we can.Yes, we can!

(Change I can believe in.)

I also imagine Red Bull Party conventions would be the only ones to end with a "final thought" from Chairman Jerry Springer.This isn't a such a stretch of the imagination either. The guy WAS the mayor of Cincinnati at one point.

Why "The Teleprompter-gate Saga Continues?"

Because any self- respecting scandal always attaches the word "gate" to the end of it's name. E.g. Watergate,Climategate,Troopergate.

Anyway, now that I've explained the reasons behind my dilemma between titles...

Where do we get off chastising politicians for doing what we do everyday?

You make grocery lists.

You use flash cards.

You Wikipedia cut-and-paste motha fuckers.

I know. I know. They're politicians. They're supposed to be these demi-goods with instant recall and Hydra slaying abilities...I don't think so.
Besides, politicians of that caliber have so much to do and remember every day. They don't even have time to TiVo Jersey Shore. That's how busy they are. They have much more to worry about than frantically trying to find the Spark Notes version of Catcher in the Rye after one too many games of Beer Pong the previous night. I'm looking in your direction Delta Tau Chi boy!

(You. The average college student. According to Hollywood.)

Let's stick to the issues at hand,shall we? Besides, there is so much more to raise a picket sign about with this administration. We could talk more about the blatant nepotism he used when it came to appointing Czars to his cabinet and beyond...or we could talk about how he's emblazoning every food stamp with his likeness.Wait, the latter one hasn't happened yet.
So, Teleprompter-gate continues, and it brings me to the most recent scandal. A scandal involving one politician who is no stranger to controversy, Mrs. Sarah Palin:

Sarah Palin: God wrote on his hand too

Yes. I'm sure that's how it all went down.

I can imagine God on Sunday, still exhausted from creating humans and scattering clues about his future son's life for Dan Brown to find....

So, He looks at the crib notes He wrote on His palm the previous day, but His palm is all sweaty...the instructions for Day 7 all smeared.

He sighs and thinks: "okay, okay, day 7: Gah.. gah.. gahrble..mufasa? ...ahh...forget it....It's my day off, I'm not even supposed to be here..."

So then, He pulls out his iPhone...looks through His contacts....Thinks to Himself..

"hmm. That Lucifer. Real quiet guy, always complaining that someone keeps stealing his stapler..but he seems like a real up-and-commer. I'll give him a shot.."

(Lucifer. According to eyewitness accounts from Mike and Gabe, The guys in the PR department. This was taken long before he quit,or got fired-depending on who you talk to.)

So He proceeds to dial the 666 on his speed-dial:

"Yo,Lucifer. Hey, It's God.I didn't get much sleep last night..and I still have all kinds of things to create on this other planet in the Andromeda galaxy. Can you cover my shift today?


"no, no, this planet earth is all done. It just needs some proof reading and editing...."

Of course Lucifer,this "real quiet guy",goes on to burn the place down Office Space style.This just goes to show you, there are certain tasks that management should never delegate to their subordinates...especially subordinates with grudges.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Finding My Niche

Should I blog about my keen political observations as planned?
haha, with my next blog titled something like, "My Big Fat Greek Economic Crisis" ?

Or should I go the self-indulgent route and blog about my "unique American experience"
I'm a geeky, latina lesbian with a Republican bent when it comes to politics. I suppose that provides quite a bit of fodder for subject matter.,I was examining my fat deposits in the mirror after I got out of shower the other day... I can't for the life of me get rid of my FUPA.* Yes, of course I've tried Pilates. The fuckin' fairy Godmother from Cinderella could not make my FUPA disappear with a wave of her wand. Although I'm sure she could make it sing "bippity-boppity-boop"... Gah! why did I just picture the fairy Godmother naked.....that was so very very wrong. That was worse than the image of Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. This naked fairy Godmother mental image severed the last lingering thread of my childhood innocence.
So, back to the topic at hand..finding my Niche...hmm. So, like I said...being latina and geeky...I grew up being a fan of both Sabado Gigante and the magic school bus. I'm probably one of the only people in the world who thinks "La Cuatro" would be an awesome substitute teacher on The Magic School Bus if Ms. Frizzle ever found herself unable to teach the class due to swine flu:

haha....La Cuatro! ..."Me dijeron que cuidara mucho el cuckoo!." - "They told me to take good care care of my 'cuckoo'!"

....Don't mess with the woman's cuckoo.

I can imagine her beginning a field trip with something like this:

"Hola ninos! Olvidense del cheto! Hoy exploraremos el estomago de Arnold despues de comerse un burrito supreme con chile extra picante! Y esta vez saldremos por el cuckoo! esto es lo que pasa cuando no cuidas tu cuckoo."

"Hello kids! Forget the cheeto! Today we shall explore Arnold's stomach after he's eaten a burrito supreme with extra spicy sauce! This time we'll come out of the cuckoo. This is what happens when you don't take care of your cuckoo!"

haha.That's gross.

Blah, at the risk of alienating one potential audience base or another, I may just do a little bit of everything....

*(<-Asterisks as promised.) If you don't know what that is, look it up in I swear, these days, more people look up words in UrbanDictionary than the real dictionary.

Haha, suck it Webster.

Speaking of which. I want to go back in time and kick Noah Webster in the balls, just to see which one of the thousands of words in the dictionary he would utter to convey surprise.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

You've Reached The Confessional Hotline..

*Chorus of angels* "You've reached the confessional hotline. A product of the church's ongoing effort to remain relevant in the lives of 21st century catholics. In order to ensure a swift salvation. Please enter the number corresponding to the commandment you've broken. Press 0 for the 10th. Press # for "other"........*pause*...................Thank You! All of our clergy are currently assisting other sinners. Stay on the line. Please use this time to recite Hail Mary's and repent with more conviction...BEEP"

Michael Cera Is A Robot

Somewhere in between making quirky indie comedies about jaded twenty-somethings and showing the world how funny teen pregnancy can be... the facade will fall..whether it's a subtle flicker of an LED in the corner of your eye....or a quick spray of Wd-40 under your arm....your guard will slip, and when it does, I will be there to expose you..

Kraftwerk - Robots(Oshee's robotic mash up) by Oshee

While the flash of a camera would scramble the circuits of lesser robots..not so with you..

Photo after photo..

That dead pan stare never changes!!

...such structural rigidity can only be achieved 2 ways...1. Botox 2. an underlying steel bone structure...

When our robot overlords from the future send a Terminator to the past
to annihilate us. He won't look like Ahnuld.That would be far too, my friends, he will look like the common hipster....

One bad movie away from blowing up a playground..

Try Masturbation

hahaha...some humor for these hard times of ours...goll,I love the day before my day off..I have time to do what I really love....and that of course is WRITING!

Your recent pay cut got ya bummed?

That pile of bills got you tossing and turning at night?

Has your wife been putting "IT" off since you were LAYED OFF?
(.....and your is kid is beginning to look more and more like the the pool boy everyday..)

Did your insurance company find a "loophole" and decide to deny continued coverage of your sleep medication prescription?

You're gonna have to get some shut-eye somehow.

and we're here to help...


™ before bed!

Just ONE dose of Masturbationbefore bed puts you down like a tranquilized grizzly bear after a rampage at a state park campsite.

So if you wanna PASS OUT....

try and

"RUB ONE OUT".......

Give Masturbation a try today!

THIS guy wishes he would've tried Masturbation™! don't wanna end up like THIS guy.

He doesen't do the messy chore before a snore!

Masturbation™ is not for everyone. Please consult your doctor before using Masturbation™ to see if Masturbation™ is right for you. Do not use Masturbationif you have a history of heart disease, nosy roommates,have excessively long nails,or are trying to win a bet by proving you are "Master of Your Domain".

Side effects of Masturbationmay include exclusive hypertrophy of the muscles of the right forearm...and permanent "O face".

~Just for Chuckles and Lou~

nothing cheers me up quite like posting joke personal ads on Craigslist


"May contain peanuts."

Ever wondered who lobbied the FDA to include this label on those snacks you so non-chalantly devour? That's Right. ;)
As a child, I had to regard each trick or treat fun-size bar I pulled out of my makeshift sack as a potential chocolate-covered poison dart that could put me in a coma.Few know the pain. I am good looking-save for the pencil sized trachaectomy scar on my neck.
I'm looking for a woman who can administer my Epi shots with all the grace and prestige of a Mayo clinic nurse.I share a swanky, dust-free apartment with my two hypo-allergenic cats: Sniffles and Atchoo. Some women collect shoes, i collect dust masks. I have a stylish, sickle and hammer bearing, red HEPA that was used by China's Premier, Wen Jiabao, during the S.A.R.S. epidemic! So, I may not be able to join you in blowing the seeds off dandelions in the springtime.....but on the plus side, I'll never ask for flowers for Valentine's Day....