Monday, May 16, 2011

This Is Not A Date...

Yes, I have touched on the subject before..but I feel it merits reiterating..
Fellow lesbians... It is indeed possible to be invited to attend an event by another lesbian without a desire for romantic involvement. Complimenting your choice of hat does not mean I want to do the Sapphic samba with you.
If I've been calling you"buddy"on multiple occasions and it does not seem to register... I will have to resort to illustrating my point the American way!

With a wearable bright neon sign of course.

So, I designed this T-shirt to wear for such an occasion!

Look, there isn't a nanometer of sexual tension between us. The possibility of me running any bases with you tonight is about as remote as the possibility of me purchasing a parrot with Tourettes as a gift for my prim grandmother. So, please refrain from touching me anywhere that would get you fired for sexual harassment in a work environment.

That said.

How many shirts should I put you down for ladies?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

McDees impending fancy pants facelift....

So Mc Donald's is revamping its restaurants to more closely mimic the ambience at Starbucks. They are hoping that adding TV's and a few beanbag chairs will lure some hipsters into "lounging" at Mc Dees for a few hours while they surf the web and snub pop music.

I don't think the majority of McDonald's typical customers will give a fuck that they can now listen to Enya while they wait for their Big Mac.

.....and I don't think I will be overhearing a conversation between a guy and his date that goes like THIS any time soon, "Honey, I've canceled the reservations at Le Fleur in favor of this ritzy new McDonald's restaurant!"

Many people are a little embarassed to be be SEEN frequenting a Mc Donald's. I don't think there are many of us who would want to prolong a Mc Donalds's visit. You walk in, get what you paid for, avoid eye contact, hand over your money and get out. Visiting a McDonalds is a lot like visiting a hooker.

The only type of McDonald's customer who wants to "lounge" at McDonald's after the meal, is usually holding up a cardboard sign.

Your baby is not a fashion accessory...

Baby Bling...I don't understand it. Especially in today's economy....oh, sure you could invest those hundreds of dollars into a private school tuition fund..or you could buy your child a damn diamond encrusted pacifier. Your baby is not auditioning for some baby edition of the Jersey Shore.


Unless of course, your baby is starting an underground fight club.... Which this apparent miniature cage match arena at would suggest.....Hey now, baby bling=frivolous...but a baby is never too young to learn how to execute a proper round house kick!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Our concept of Egypt is seriously outdated...

Most of us don't really give Egyptian culture much thought beyond the occasional Cleopatra costume spotted at a Halloween party and a fleeting desire to learn hieroglyphics..

"Pictured: Not much different than the Crayola 'masterpieces' of the family cats a budding renoir like yourself made for mom's fridge as a child...Except, important old people in Safari hats give a damn about the cats in THESE scribbles..."

So, Quick!! How many of you could think of nothing but THIS when you heard the word "Egypt"in the news as the first riots erupted??

How many of you supressed a giggle days after when the shock wore off and you felt an urge to do THIS in the company break room everytime the news came on?

Be honest now!

I mean, I don't blame us (Americans)..Our concept of Egypt has been almost exclusively forged by such educational programming as "Night at the Museum" and "The Mummy" w/ Brendan Fraser.. I'm sure when we actually think about it, it makes sense to picture Egyptians in a modern context-complete with Facebooks and diverse haircuts..

However, what are the very FIRST things that pop into our heads when we think..

pissed off Egyptians?...

ACTUAL pissed off Egyptians...

Our image of Egyptian women?..

ACTUAL Egyptian women...

Our initial image of Egyptian ruler Mubarak..

The ACTUAL Egyptian ruler Mubarak...

Well, screw you Anderson Cooper! How dare you shatter our highly inaccurate, romanticized image of Egypt?

Either way, I have to wonder how foreign countries who base their perception of Americans on our media probably view us..

Average Americans at leisure?..

ACTUAL average Americans at leisure...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Aaaah, Lesbian Bars...

It is in my humble opinion....That we lesbians, as a species, take ourselves entirely too seriously.There is no station wagon on earth with enough trunk space to accommodate all of our neuroses...and we should be making light of our unique culture. We should be strutting our stuff and wiping criticisms off our unusually buff shoulders..Not getting the ACLU to sue Michael Savage.

....Mmm..Lesbian bars are the only bars where you can walk in and feel welcome no matter where you may be in your walk of life. You're never too old to be at the lesbian bar. Every lesbian bar has that Ted Danson looking dyke who looks old enough to have been in the Stonewall riots. If Jon Lovitz walked into a straight bar (or even a gay guy bar) the patrons would quietly mutter to themselves and shake their collective heads in pity ..but Jon lovitz could walk into a lesbian bar dressed like Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez and no one would bat an eyelash.

and I can now cross Resolution # 435 "Include at least one reference to drag queens in my blog this year" off my list.

Yes, A lesbian bar is the only place with dykes old enough to brag about having hooked up with Virginia Woolf (she's a top from what I heard from 'The Ted Danson dyke' by the way) and yet...somehow you having hooked up with Virginia Woolf is STILL less than 6 degrees of separation. Tsk.Tsk.

Sigh. Unfortunately, lesbian bars are so sparse; even in large cities...Thankfully, the camaraderie that exists between lesbians is such an unshakable bond. We will brave shitty overpriced drinks, dim lighting, and tables that are smushed closer together than Katy Perry's tits in a push-up bra. We do this just so we can dance it up with our sisters to the same damn songs we dance to in our cars on our commute to work.

Ah, and the question on any non-lesbian mind. Why DO we enjoy playing with another woman's boobs even though we have our own.I suppose, they're like snow globes. I know we have our own, but they're all so different, and oh so fun to shake. Okay, I have to get boobs off my mind, at least for a minute. Back to the clubs..and the shitty drinks.

"Hey ;)...what are you drinking there?"

"Blue Kool aid with a little Bacardi . what's yours?"

"PURPLE kool-aid with rubbing alcohol named after a euphemism for vagina"..

"oooh. How much was it?"

"My share of the electric bill this month"