Friday, October 22, 2010

What the BLEEP are the 1966 Shelby Cobra and 1977 Ford Pinto doing in the same blog entry??

I love talking to my brother. He's my best friend. 2 of our favorite subjects are cars and women. Sometimes, I'll start talking about both at the same time...and I forget which of the 2 subjects I'm referring to ...entries like these ensue...
I somehow came to the conclusion that that these types of girlfriends were very much like these cars...In my usual fashion, it's blunt... you've been warned...

The 1966 Shelby Cobra:
This is the type of woman that can approach any one in the current crop of suicidal Wall Street Execs and convince them to step away from the edge of the bridge they were about to jump off of 5 minutes ago. She's smart. She can refute Stephen Hawking's theories of the universe..all while giving you the best lap dance of your life. This woman could don a janitor jumpsuit, push around a little cart full of spray bottles...and STILL look smokin' while doing it. She's witty. She could heckle Carlos Mencia off the stage and make HIM feel 'dee dee dee'.... How can she juggle all of this and still look stunning. Because she can do 0-60-mph time in 3 seconds. Reliability? That 800 Horsepower is going to stay at a respectable level.... even through the years. Even after all these decades, there is still barely a scratch on her. Too bad only 2 were ever made, right?

The 1972 Datsun 510:
You met her during a phase of 'moral balancing' in your life....When the guilt of not ever having donated ONE fuckin'dollar to those charities that let you put your name on a fun paper cut-out at the resgister compels you to volunteer to read to blind children. There she was, wearing a frumpy Christmas sweater...and it was February.
She's asymmetrical on all counts. Yet, You fall in love with her despite yourself. She may be ugly, but her value increases exponentially with time as you realize that she has so much going on a Jackson Pollock painting. Your friends may give you shit, but that Datsun sure can surprise them when her engine turns out to be a 2.0L...instead of the 1.6. She hasn't dated much, but has at least used that time to upgrade herself inside. Who cares if you have to smear your eyes with petroleum jelly to go on dates with her, "Shallow Hal" style? Even after all these years, her engine still hums sweetly, like an angel farting in tune to "Ave Maria".

The 1994 Honda Accord:

Sure ...She doesen't exactly stand out in the looks department. She's pretty all right..... but if she's white, it's hard to spot her at the Wal-Mart parking lot. At least she isn't going to be making your mother cringe as she imagines her grandchildren's faces looking like Mrs. Potato Head got hit by a construction beam. She's reliable, very reliable....and she handles herself excellently, even when the road gets rocky. Maybe it'the reason it's still one of the most stolen cars in America.

The 1977 Ford Pinto:
Oh, sure she can get hot, but not "Boom-Chicka-Wha-Wha"
hot. The kinds of fires she starts are legendary and attract the
attention of the authorities. She's neurotic..and everything is your
fault. The weather man was wrong? Definately your fault. She can't
understand her manicurist's thick Korean accent? Your fault again.....and
she'll berate you even as you buff the calluses on her feet.
Why are you still seeing this woman? She's ugly as hell and has no
structural integrity...or ANY integrity for that matter. Maybe you had
one of those dads who drilled it into your head that you're a sissy for
not being able to keep your Tequila shot down at 12. Therefore, your
confidence was shot before you even uttered your first pick-up line.
One day, you're at a party and some poor fuck is too drunk....(or nearsighted) to realize he's spitting game with Ursula from 'The Little Mermaid. Your spirit is too broken to care. You look the other way. You don't have the courage to leave her because this is the best you think you'll ever do, but every night you go to bed praying someone will recall her...and save you from that inevitable unpleasant death.

The "Ricer" :
Your Snookis of the world. Her sound system is loud and obnoxious, but you're okay with that as long as your buddies nod approvingly....You can festoon so many shiny trinkets on her that 'Flava Flav' would feel tacky if he was seen riding this....but......What good is having nice rims when even that wigger down the street who's been wearing the same wife beater for the past 3 days gets a piece when you're not looking? She's slow as hell. You're watching "30 Rock", and she asks you if Tina Fey is going to run for president again. She's high-maintenance. Eventually you start to realize that no matter how much you invest in her, she will keep leaving you stranded. Hell, she won't even hesitate to leave your hapless ass stranded and cold in the middle of Christmas. As the years pass and age takes it's toll...the body kit starts to sag..and you start to realize that no matter how much you soup up this Pinto. it's still a Pinto.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome Appears To Be A Chronic Illness For Me....

I've taken to watching the news in the very early morning during my
breaks. I like to get my daily dose of national and local tragedy
before anyone else does. I'm that D-bag who kindly informs everyone
on your contacts list about the latest A-list celebrity death before
you get a chance to have the satisfaction of doing it yourself.

This particular morning, I found myself overcome with the type of
giggles normally reserved for when I'm watching The Big Bang Theory.....and not because the entire cast of Glee was flattened by a steamroller earlier today.***

No, it was the ads in between the news reports. Sure, most of them
were appropriate enough for the morning edition of the news. Ads for
coffee, breakfast cereals.......depression medication (Having to
trade the warmth of one's bed during the winter in favor of being
perched over a monitor for the next 8 hours will bring ANYONE to the
brink of depression.) .

What struck me as odd it the unusual amount of ads for Vagisil Wash in between the news reports. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad the eradication of vagina funkiness has entered the public
consciousness enough to merit re-curring ads during the morning
edition of the news. It's about time us women are given equal air
time to talk about our genitals and THEIR dysfunctions through
overzealous actors! (Perhaps some sort of affirmative action ruling brought this about?)

Nevertheless, I find myself eyeing this recent development with
suspicion. When did taking additional measures in vagina cleansing become a top priority in the morning routines of American women? Why has this not been made into a PSA
(Public Service Announcement)?

"Attention American women, please remember to deodorize your vaginas
before commencing your workday today. You'll be sitting cross
legged in a cubicle all morning a good cubicle neighbor and
please deodorize...."

aaaaaaaand I'm sure at this point, I could just ramble on about The
View, Lillith Fair and shoes for another 3 paragraphs and no one
would complain.It's safe to assume any menfolk who may had been
reading this entry, stopped reading a couple of paragraphs ago..]

So, I naturally wondered what scents are available for this product. It would be nice to be able to infuse the air around me with the scent of "birthday cake" or
"morning sea breeze" every time I open my legs.

<-Pictured. What I expected of my vagina after Vagisil Wash.Not Pictured. My disappointment.

I looked through the website. No such luck. The only scent available is 'Light and Clean". What the hell does that even mean? Pfft.

Before you start forwarding that the cast of Glee was steamrolled to everyone on your contacts list, I should probably inform you was not.***

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I saw no reason to put on pants this morning...

It's a liberating feeling, being on my own again. Going to the bathroom with the door open.... bobbing my head up and down around my apartment scratching invisible records to the tune of rap magnate Grandmaster flash with no elastic waistband to restrict my movements. Now I see why pantsless cultures always look so jolly on the National Geographic Channel. The undercarriage draft is very real and very pleasant. Many notable Americans have snubbed pants....

Okay, so they're all cartoons...but....but.........

bows head* touche...touche...

I thought about how nice it would be to have my own this lady.... Seriously, This lady has her own town, all to herself.

Ah, my town would be awesome. The uniform for Pizza delivery guys would be Ninja Turtles costumes, movie theaters would have separate seating arrangements the way smokers used to have their own sections....only these seating arrangements would be divided into " Here To Actually Watch The Movie", "We're Not Even Sure What Movie's Playing...We Just Needed a Dark Place To Make Out", and "Won't Shut The Fuck Up".........and of course pants not required.

I walked into the library today and clutched a book tightly against my chest while I fantasized what it would be like for the library to invest enough faith in me to entrust one of these book things in my care again.....just kidding. I paid my fines .....I had half expected to see a sepia toned "WANTED" sign with my picture on it on the wall of the library somewhere. You see, I have been receiving several stern reminders in the mail informing me that I had overstayed my welcome at the wonderful world of Metropolis (A Superman comic being the overdue book in question )....I can't find the book.... and to a librarian, this is a crime slightly less reprehensible than genocide. I've made enough origami out of these late notice letters to fashion an entire origami dress for Lady Gaga's next VMA appearance....These letters would be so much more compelling if they were penned on Lisa Frank stationery and gave the appearance of being written by Sideshow Bob (when I think "murderous librarian" I think Sideshow Bob.)

3rd letter
" We have a large print copy of War and Peace at our disposal. It is very heavy and it has very sharp corners. it's perfect for smothering or bludgeoning. You can't stay awake forever.......We're just saying.....Please return your copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" within the next 30 days."

4th letter
" We know where you live you cheap bastard. We have matches and a gas can. If you value your life, and the lives of your wife and will return "Chicken Soup for the Soul"or pay for it's replacement immediately. We don't give a fuck. We won't even bother wearing ski masks. We're LIBRARIANS. No jury would convict us."

Seriously though, threats of excommunication made to pedophile priests are taken more seriously than the current threat letters the library sents out.

I suppose I could buy a kindle with all the money I've spent on library fines over the years... However, I spent my formative years in South Central L.A. Here books were valued for the protection they provided as shields against shanks in addition to providing paths to enlightenment. I'll brave the paper cuts.