Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hump Day Hilarity*

*Disclaimer: While every effort is made to deliver said hilarity. Hilarity is not guaranteed. Some settling of contents may occur, and amount of laughter may vary from reader to reader. Author assumes no responsibility for errands reader may procrastinate while reading this post.

So, my BK cashier of 2 months announced today that she is leaving me for another BK. Graveyard workers share a special bond. Not only will I miss our conversations about life while the rest of the world sleeps. The new guy doesen't yet posses the culinary expertise to master EVEN Jalapeno distributiuon on a Whopper. You know what I mean? There's a clusterfuck of Jalapenos on one corner, and the rest of the burger is barren. It's like navigating a Jalapeno landmine with your mouth. You take one bite and groan because you think they forgot your Jalapenos. Yet, It's too late to turn around. So you keep munching through your Whopper and taking sips of your drink in between bites. By the time you get to that last jalapeno stuffed bite...most of your drink is gone. On that surprise scalding bite, you're scrambling for your cell and getting the fire department on the phone. I'm like an R-rated Ricky Ricardo when I experience unexpected pain or delays in traffic. All kinds of Spanish swear words will pour out. I'll even make up new ones and rhyme that shit, "hijo de su....PUTA-BRON CHINGON MAMON!".

I try to avoid Fast food, but I do indulge in WHopper Wednesdays. Mostly because I hate Wednesdays, and it gives me something to look forward to on Wednesdays. I'm just glad I don't have a personal trainer I have to confess my caloric surplus sins to. I can only imagine our exchange:

"Forgive me Inge for I have sinned. I had a Whopper Value Meal on the Eve of
Wednesday the 29th."

"Your penance shall be 2 celery stalks and 50 Jumping Jacks."

<--This is what a personal trainer looks like right? All I know about personal trainers is what I saw watching exercise videos growing up. I've only seen them in captivity, who knows what they look like out in the wild.

Oh, right. I'm supposed to be blogging about my day....

'Have you ever been halfway through a home improvement project and feared ahead of time that you're setting yourself up for a Darwin award? Screw driver in my mouth, hammer in one hand. I'm grasping this wobbly table by it's 2 legs like some clown at a gay rodeo trying to put a pair of panties on a goat.

This is how i saw myself at the beginning of the project.:

This is how I saw myself halfway through :

<-but with Spanish cussing...

However, despite a few setbacks and a swollen thumb.....I'm happy to report that the table is tabling it up and the door is happy being a door again.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It's A Large World After All....

It has occured to me that I never really blog about my life as promised in the description..but, what is there to say?...other people's lives are always more interesting than my own...What did I do today? Let's see, I went out and bought enough provisions to last me through a Russian winter. If you must know, I have amassed enough Tampons to plug the BP oil leak out in the Gulf Coast.....

So, maybe one day I'll wax poetic about milk expiration dates or pitch a sit-com idea for a show about 'nothing' to CBS..but for now...I'll stick to what I've always done best, whatever that is....

<-and besides...I'd look terrible with a Jew-fro.

Candidates are always courting the black vote, the hispanic vote..... but what about the FAT vote? That's at least 30 % of the population. Hell, I'd win by a landslide in the South if I could sway that demographic!

It's no secret our collective girth is matter how much we try to conceal our obesity by taking pictures in extreme overhead angles for our social networking profiles...

We're also becoming increasingly complacent with our predicament. ..There's even a soap opera on the latino channel Univision featuring a large female protagonsit called, "Llena de amor"(Full of Love). I haven't seen it, but I'm thinking it features the Cheetos Cheetah as her romantic co-star? I will have to ask my mom...

You know who I haven't heard about in awhile? Calista Flockhart. I have a sinking feeling that she fell into someone's 20 layer bean dip somewhere and was accidentally eaten last year. The world may never know.

I can't say "eating right" is not tough though. Bacon is the duct tape of food. You can wrap almost any subpar dish in bacon and fix it. One look at food porn website will make you want to disembowel your fridge and whip up one of these abominations.

We're getting bigger...and yet, our cars are getting smaller..When I first saw the 'smart car'..I thought some bored redneck had souped up a bumper car. Well, that story of those eggheads that drove across America with tanks full of cooking grease from fast food joints certainly gained considerable notorierity. Yet, the media almost largely ignored this one:

Yes, your love handles could be fueling your morning commute as we speak! My agenda: government liposuction clinics installed at select gas stations. I know it sounds like yet another one of my crackpot schemes..but it can't possibly be much more impractical than the government's "Cash for Clunker's" flop. I don't see McDonald's dropping the Big Mac off the menu anytime soon, so this will be as renewable of an energy source as it gets. I need to start campaigning at buffets and SUV dealerships as soon as I find a running mate. My only real concern is the diet pill cartels putting out a mob hit on me. If I am ever assasinated, question Jillian Michaels first.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Facebook,Vegan Lesbians...and other pervasive social phenomena that stagger my imagination.

Sorry, No pics this time. I needed sleep. Biological functions come first.

Remember those days when we dreaded an invitation from our neighbors to watch their vapid vacation slide shows? What followed was an agonizing half hour of CLICK-CLICK all delivered in a monotone voice that made Al Gore sound like John Madden in comparison. Damn, I never knew an African safari could be so boring. Pictures of the same damn thing in different angles....."Umm...This is the same picture?....Oh, I see. You're smirking on your left side instead of your right side in this one....Well this one-.....oh I see. You cast your shadow slightly more to the east."............Until you finally can't take it anymore. You start thinking those Guantanamo detainees had it easy....."What are you? a fuckin' sundial. Didn't you pose anywhere else?"
.....Sigh..but what about these days? These days...we scramble to click on those "kewl nu club pix" as soon as they hit our Facebook feed... 30 pics of the same friends you see every weekend-but sweating profusely and in slightly different bad lighting in each shot... Are we really this bored as a society??

"like. O.m.g! will this be BYOSTD? (Bring Your Own STD)........Do I get a complimentary Guidette slap upon entrance? lol. jk."

One use old folks may derive from Facebook:.....excellent way to keep track of names when Alzheimer's kicks on a picture matching the description of the person standing in from of you and Ta-Da!

So many of the more quirky, interesting lesbians are vegan...This creates some friction when it comes to dining choices....dinner and a movie suddenly become eating-at-home-before-I-pick-you-up and a movie. I don't just have to worry about whether I'm wearing too much cologne I also have to worry about whether I smell like a Whopper. I am who I am from the beginning..I'm not the type to simmer silently through dates filled with every possible condimentation of tofu and suddenly blurt out one day, "Bitch. I like steak!" So, I tend to voice my preferences for rare and medium rare from the beginning......I'm sorry. No broad is worth me giving up my George Foreman Grill. Don't get me wrong. I like tofu just fine. I'll eat a tofu stir fry lunch any long as it's accompanied by a grilled carcass of some sort later than night...

Some 7 year old-ish boy at Wal-Mart was tugging at his mom's sleeve the other day, insisting that she get him a pink Justin Bieber shirt......Aw, Isn't that adorable?......better start reserving a rental for 2 tuxedos at prom...and you better start reassuring the kid that he doesn't HAVE to be a cosmetologist or member of a boy band when he grows up.

Friday, September 17, 2010

What's that called of consciousness?

I'm listening to my dad prophesize doom for mankind again. I need to get him a"The End Is Near" apron w/accompanying bell gift set already....
Most kids are dissapointed when that fairy tale web of lies their parents spun to shield them from the real world unravels...
You know, fairy tales about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and your job prospects increasing as you collect degrees and certificates like Pokemon cards. Not me. My bedtime stories weren't about princesses and animal husbandry, they were cautionary tales about bearded men in aviator sunglasses with windowless vans that I shouldn't get into.

"Dad. the world is still here. You told me the world would be engulfed in nuclear winter by now...and yet, these homo-sapiens persist in their drive for survival... undaunted by the widening class gap and ubiquitous use of the word "tweeting. I'm dissapointed. You lied to me....".........Alas,but who am I to judge you old man? I have more scars than a lion tamer,and more ups and downs than the real estate market...You had it right all along..You may be a chocolate chip cookie, and I may be a Cinnamon raisin cookie, but we are kneaded from the same batter...

Whatcha you looking at? Oh, not like YOU'VE never had a beer out of a Spiderman sippy cup. I have to get up early for the AIDS walk was either this or Children's Nyquil out of a shot glass. Perhaps you envy my predicament, is it because there are floating, beer soaked peach slices in this sippy cup? This is, after all, a Shock Top.....the beer that turns citrus fruits into taste-bud kamikazes.......

Like Forrest Gump, I have been running since I came to the realization that I could. Running away from nothing in particular, and running towards no particular destination at the same time.

I listen to hip-hop alot more these days. Rock these days is a choice between that pretentions hipster crap or the razorblade-in-place-of-a-prize in my breakfast cereal crap. What happened to the jolly punk of yore?Ah, the Adicts.....Sarcasm. Gleeful Madness. There is nothing more candid than pessimism with a smile.

It's like you know you're decaying, yet you do everything you can to stave off the oxidation of those cells of yours...but immortality can't be achieved by prolonging the elasticity of your dermis...only your brain's surplus musings imprinted onto digital format can bring you immortality.

.....and tonight, I was curious about whatever happened to Blink 182??...They were by no means the Beatles of my generation, but at least they used to make me want to release a bunch of wayward doves in an auto dealership doubt to defecate onto Lexuses. (<-"Rock Show") ...........or prank calling some poor chode's wife to inform her that the state looks down on sodomy (<-"What's my age again?").

...But now their lyrics are so fucking depressing. Holy snazzleberry..Doesen't that shit just make you want to coat your body in honey and shoot the nearest beehive with a fully auto BB gun...... or pie Brock Lesnar in the face?...either one would be considered suicide.

I haven't felt like this in ages. I love it.

Somedays. I wish 7-up still contained Lithium......

I'm sorry people, but until Megan Fox has established her acting credentials in legitimatelly noteworthy films ...she is still the poor man's Angelina Jolie. A cheap Louis Vuitton bag knock off.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"My mom always knew I was gonna grow up to be a fudge packer"...

He he...I recently prank called the Willy Wonka Line to inquire about their "Fudge Packer" job position...I figured such an inquiry would seem innocuous at first, given the nature of the comany's business...aaaand it did....The lady on the other line didn't catch on just what sort of "fudge packing" I was referring to until I started mentioning the spandex....Now, if you follow my blog, you know some of my entries tend towards being of a.....controversial nature...okay,most of them do....
So, If you feel it might offend your sensibilities..don't listen..Save the drama for yo momma...and if for some're been living in a subterranean bomb shelter since the Cold War and are not familiar with the fact that the term "Fudge Packer" is now mostly used to refer to something other than putting chocolate goo in a container...

you've been warned...enjoy!