Friday, October 22, 2010

What the BLEEP are the 1966 Shelby Cobra and 1977 Ford Pinto doing in the same blog entry??

I love talking to my brother. He's my best friend. 2 of our favorite subjects are cars and women. Sometimes, I'll start talking about both at the same time...and I forget which of the 2 subjects I'm referring to ...entries like these ensue...
I somehow came to the conclusion that that these types of girlfriends were very much like these cars...In my usual fashion, it's blunt... you've been warned...

The 1966 Shelby Cobra:
This is the type of woman that can approach any one in the current crop of suicidal Wall Street Execs and convince them to step away from the edge of the bridge they were about to jump off of 5 minutes ago. She's smart. She can refute Stephen Hawking's theories of the universe..all while giving you the best lap dance of your life. This woman could don a janitor jumpsuit, push around a little cart full of spray bottles...and STILL look smokin' while doing it. She's witty. She could heckle Carlos Mencia off the stage and make HIM feel 'dee dee dee'.... How can she juggle all of this and still look stunning. Because she can do 0-60-mph time in 3 seconds. Reliability? That 800 Horsepower is going to stay at a respectable level.... even through the years. Even after all these decades, there is still barely a scratch on her. Too bad only 2 were ever made, right?

The 1972 Datsun 510:
You met her during a phase of 'moral balancing' in your life....When the guilt of not ever having donated ONE fuckin'dollar to those charities that let you put your name on a fun paper cut-out at the resgister compels you to volunteer to read to blind children. There she was, wearing a frumpy Christmas sweater...and it was February.
She's asymmetrical on all counts. Yet, You fall in love with her despite yourself. She may be ugly, but her value increases exponentially with time as you realize that she has so much going on a Jackson Pollock painting. Your friends may give you shit, but that Datsun sure can surprise them when her engine turns out to be a 2.0L...instead of the 1.6. She hasn't dated much, but has at least used that time to upgrade herself inside. Who cares if you have to smear your eyes with petroleum jelly to go on dates with her, "Shallow Hal" style? Even after all these years, her engine still hums sweetly, like an angel farting in tune to "Ave Maria".

The 1994 Honda Accord:

Sure ...She doesen't exactly stand out in the looks department. She's pretty all right..... but if she's white, it's hard to spot her at the Wal-Mart parking lot. At least she isn't going to be making your mother cringe as she imagines her grandchildren's faces looking like Mrs. Potato Head got hit by a construction beam. She's reliable, very reliable....and she handles herself excellently, even when the road gets rocky. Maybe it'the reason it's still one of the most stolen cars in America.

The 1977 Ford Pinto:
Oh, sure she can get hot, but not "Boom-Chicka-Wha-Wha"
hot. The kinds of fires she starts are legendary and attract the
attention of the authorities. She's neurotic..and everything is your
fault. The weather man was wrong? Definately your fault. She can't
understand her manicurist's thick Korean accent? Your fault again.....and
she'll berate you even as you buff the calluses on her feet.
Why are you still seeing this woman? She's ugly as hell and has no
structural integrity...or ANY integrity for that matter. Maybe you had
one of those dads who drilled it into your head that you're a sissy for
not being able to keep your Tequila shot down at 12. Therefore, your
confidence was shot before you even uttered your first pick-up line.
One day, you're at a party and some poor fuck is too drunk....(or nearsighted) to realize he's spitting game with Ursula from 'The Little Mermaid. Your spirit is too broken to care. You look the other way. You don't have the courage to leave her because this is the best you think you'll ever do, but every night you go to bed praying someone will recall her...and save you from that inevitable unpleasant death.

The "Ricer" :
Your Snookis of the world. Her sound system is loud and obnoxious, but you're okay with that as long as your buddies nod approvingly....You can festoon so many shiny trinkets on her that 'Flava Flav' would feel tacky if he was seen riding this....but......What good is having nice rims when even that wigger down the street who's been wearing the same wife beater for the past 3 days gets a piece when you're not looking? She's slow as hell. You're watching "30 Rock", and she asks you if Tina Fey is going to run for president again. She's high-maintenance. Eventually you start to realize that no matter how much you invest in her, she will keep leaving you stranded. Hell, she won't even hesitate to leave your hapless ass stranded and cold in the middle of Christmas. As the years pass and age takes it's toll...the body kit starts to sag..and you start to realize that no matter how much you soup up this Pinto. it's still a Pinto.


  1. haha, you should make this a facebook test,
    "Which car are you?"