Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I saw no reason to put on pants this morning...

It's a liberating feeling, being on my own again. Going to the bathroom with the door open.... bobbing my head up and down around my apartment scratching invisible records to the tune of rap magnate Grandmaster flash with no elastic waistband to restrict my movements. Now I see why pantsless cultures always look so jolly on the National Geographic Channel. The undercarriage draft is very real and very pleasant. Many notable Americans have snubbed pants....

Okay, so they're all cartoons...but....but.........

bows head* touche...touche...

I thought about how nice it would be to have my own town...like this lady.... Seriously, This lady has her own town, all to herself.

Ah, my town would be awesome. The uniform for Pizza delivery guys would be Ninja Turtles costumes, movie theaters would have separate seating arrangements the way smokers used to have their own sections....only these seating arrangements would be divided into " Here To Actually Watch The Movie", "We're Not Even Sure What Movie's Playing...We Just Needed a Dark Place To Make Out", and "Won't Shut The Fuck Up".........and of course pants not required.

I walked into the library today and clutched a book tightly against my chest while I fantasized what it would be like for the library to invest enough faith in me to entrust one of these book things in my care again.....just kidding. I paid my fines .....I had half expected to see a sepia toned "WANTED" sign with my picture on it on the wall of the library somewhere. You see, I have been receiving several stern reminders in the mail informing me that I had overstayed my welcome at the wonderful world of Metropolis (A Superman comic being the overdue book in question )....I can't find the book.... and to a librarian, this is a crime slightly less reprehensible than genocide. I've made enough origami out of these late notice letters to fashion an entire origami dress for Lady Gaga's next VMA appearance....These letters would be so much more compelling if they were penned on Lisa Frank stationery and gave the appearance of being written by Sideshow Bob (when I think "murderous librarian" I think Sideshow Bob.)

3rd letter
" We have a large print copy of War and Peace at our disposal. It is very heavy and it has very sharp corners. it's perfect for smothering or bludgeoning. You can't stay awake forever.......We're just saying.....Please return your copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" within the next 30 days."

4th letter
" We know where you live you cheap bastard. We have matches and a gas can. If you value your life, and the lives of your wife and children...you will return "Chicken Soup for the Soul"or pay for it's replacement immediately. We don't give a fuck. We won't even bother wearing ski masks. We're LIBRARIANS. No jury would convict us."

Seriously though, threats of excommunication made to pedophile priests are taken more seriously than the current threat letters the library sents out.

I suppose I could buy a kindle with all the money I've spent on library fines over the years... However, I spent my formative years in South Central L.A. Here books were valued for the protection they provided as shields against shanks in addition to providing paths to enlightenment. I'll brave the paper cuts.

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