Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Woo! Team Gary!

At the risk of incurring the wrath of chubby suburban housewives all over the mid-west...

I must admit that I vehemently dislike Twilight..

1. It fails as a vampire movie. I've seen Simpson's Halloween Special Episodes that are scarier than Twilight...

<--- Compared to Twilight....THIS is terror personified.

2. It fails as a romance. What's so romantic about older bunny-blood drinking sociopaths preying on socially anxious girls with daddy issues? Many "romantic tales" start like that in AOL Chatrooms across America...and they usually don't end well...

Okay.I retract my statement that it fails as a romance...Romance novels are ALL like that. I would know. I grew up reading many a book with shirtless grunts ripping the bodices of semi-willing damsels on the cover. Our protagonists are always from 2 different backgrounds..He's a cowboy,she's an Indian. She's a Jedi, He's a Sith. Whatever. There isn't a minority that hasn't been exploited for the sake of injecting a submission- dominance element into the story by Zebra Romance books.

And they're always the same..

She hates him in the beginning. She always does.
He persists undaunted. She resists his advances coyly.
He eventually gets sick of chasing her and goes and flirts with other chicks.
She's becomes jealous and goes and flirts with other dudes in retaliation.
The tension builds up. They eventually find themselves alone with each other. Something or other happens and they fall back into each other's arms.
They have a lavish wedding and 3 kids named Diamond, Hawk, and Bronco.Respectively.
The other innocent bystanders they seduced to make each other jealous either end up alone and pissed off and are never mentioned in the novel again.... or hook they up with each other and are mentioned at length to silence the cynical quips of people like me.

Romance is fucked up.

Hmm...Perhaps this Twilight saga is kind of a realistic indictment of romance, wrapped in a vampire analogy...Folks, I am not bitter. Not in the

But. I digress. My reason for writing this blog was not to elaborate on the reasons for my disinterest in a two-dimensional romance novel. Everybody already knows I view romance in a
Nelson-Muntzian sense...


No. The intention of this blog it to bring to light a disturbing fact I've unearthed.....

100 year old sparkly dudes with tousled up-do's and strong jawlines who dig underage girls are nothing new....haha. Behold, dun-dun-dun, Gary Glitter.....The original Edward!

(Yes,I photoshopped that)

A short bio of Gary Glitter, and you'll see what I mean:

<---The sad thing. With his cape and upturned, Dracula-like collar... Gary Glitter looks more like a vampire and more bad ass than the emaciated Robert Pattison...

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